Where did my Mommy mo-mo go?
I am having a day full of mommy-loathing today, feeling highly defeated and self-conscious of my mommy failings. "Oh, shut your trap, Claire," you say. "Quit it already with your silly case of the 'Poor-Mes'," you say. "You have a gorgeous baby and a gorgeous husband and a fantastic-sounding future and I just love your blog with its diarrhea of photos and lack of text," you say. Yes, I know all this. But despite it, sometimes it is difficult to concentrate on the good things when there are particular frustrations in your life. And I feel like psychological crap and if I dump the crap out on this web page, I will probably feel better, so here you go.
Major Beef #1: Where's the Sleep?
Remember last week, how I blogged about how Sleep and I had been blissfully reunited? The Blog-Curse strikes again, and Isaac has painfully ripped said Sleep away from me, just as Sleep and I were laughing and swinging each other around in circles and feeding each other grapes. Thursday night was the turning point, wherein he was up, completely un-tired, from 1:30 to 4:30. Dad and I took shifts to deal with this awfulness, until finally, on the suggestion of Claudia's mom and dad (who are medical professionals), I gave him some vitamin "B" to help him sleep. That "B" is for Benadryl, and it worked, so shut it. But because of this little interlude, Isaac's clock has been off ever since. Friday night he refused to go to bed until midnight (though from 9 till midnight he was the happiest little guy on earth, laughing, dancing to his Music Maggot, chasing balls around, letting me enjoy my TiVOed Gilmore Girls), and only slept until 7 or 7:30, a solid 3+ hours less than he WAS getting. Last night he was up again in the middle of the night, from 3:30 to 5:00. Tonight he refused to go to sleep at his "typical" bed time, 8:30, so I let him shriek it out, occasionally providing some assistance until 9:15. I have blogged many times about how I "just can't take it anymore" with his sleep problems, but really...HOW LONG CAN THIS GO ON?!?!?!?? And it is one thing to expect him to awaken in the middle of the night; entirely another to quickly grow accustomed to him NOT doing so and then have this set back. On top of all this is what is probably the major problem: 90% of the time, he will not go to sleep for me. This means bedtime or nap time -- something is wrong with the presence of the Mom such that it interferes with sleep-promotion. Yet I am conveniently the one who wakes up with him in the middle of the night. I wrestle with him for an hour and a half, get entirely depressed and despondent over my inability to help him get back to sleep, convince myself that I'm enabling his horrible sleep behavior, consider putting him in his crib to scream it out and then discard that idea because it would wake the neighbors, and finally decide that I can't take it anymore and wake up Dada for his turn. The kid is asleep within 15 minutes of Dada's take-over.
I can't help but think that we're doing something wrong for him to be such a crappy sleeper. And then for me to be so unsuccessful at putting him to bed -- what does that say about me? What have I done to make him this way?
Major Beef #2: Mom-time = Scream-Time
Completely unfabulous and predictable Isaac behavior: Isaac and Dada can have the most awesome time together, romping and playing and whatever. The moment I enter the room, Isaac starts crying, actually whining, about almost anything. Then for his mealtime, which I have to go in the gated-off kitchen to prepare, he follows me and then hangs on the gate, crying "mamamamamamama" no matter how much I talk to him. His fuss can be temporarily relieved with bite-sized food for him to run off with, or with pots and pans to play with, but inevitably he is incredibly upset that he can't cling to me every second. What is this all about? Am I doing something wrong that my kid can't stand to not have me next to him every second?
Major Beef #3: A Mixed Blessing
In two months, I will officially begin my new career as Domestic Coordinator, leaving lab science temporarily behind to stay home with my boy. I am greatly looking forward to it, and feel exceedingly blessed that we have the means and opportunity for me to do this for Isaac, for Michael, and for myself. However, I can't help but wonder if I will like it. What will we *do* all day? How will I clean and cook and do the things I'm supposed to do? Will Isaac miss his friends? Will my relationship change with Dada? Advice or experiences from current or former Domestic Coordinators is appreciated.
Major Beef #1: Where's the Sleep?
Remember last week, how I blogged about how Sleep and I had been blissfully reunited? The Blog-Curse strikes again, and Isaac has painfully ripped said Sleep away from me, just as Sleep and I were laughing and swinging each other around in circles and feeding each other grapes. Thursday night was the turning point, wherein he was up, completely un-tired, from 1:30 to 4:30. Dad and I took shifts to deal with this awfulness, until finally, on the suggestion of Claudia's mom and dad (who are medical professionals), I gave him some vitamin "B" to help him sleep. That "B" is for Benadryl, and it worked, so shut it. But because of this little interlude, Isaac's clock has been off ever since. Friday night he refused to go to bed until midnight (though from 9 till midnight he was the happiest little guy on earth, laughing, dancing to his Music Maggot, chasing balls around, letting me enjoy my TiVOed Gilmore Girls), and only slept until 7 or 7:30, a solid 3+ hours less than he WAS getting. Last night he was up again in the middle of the night, from 3:30 to 5:00. Tonight he refused to go to sleep at his "typical" bed time, 8:30, so I let him shriek it out, occasionally providing some assistance until 9:15. I have blogged many times about how I "just can't take it anymore" with his sleep problems, but really...HOW LONG CAN THIS GO ON?!?!?!?? And it is one thing to expect him to awaken in the middle of the night; entirely another to quickly grow accustomed to him NOT doing so and then have this set back. On top of all this is what is probably the major problem: 90% of the time, he will not go to sleep for me. This means bedtime or nap time -- something is wrong with the presence of the Mom such that it interferes with sleep-promotion. Yet I am conveniently the one who wakes up with him in the middle of the night. I wrestle with him for an hour and a half, get entirely depressed and despondent over my inability to help him get back to sleep, convince myself that I'm enabling his horrible sleep behavior, consider putting him in his crib to scream it out and then discard that idea because it would wake the neighbors, and finally decide that I can't take it anymore and wake up Dada for his turn. The kid is asleep within 15 minutes of Dada's take-over.
I can't help but think that we're doing something wrong for him to be such a crappy sleeper. And then for me to be so unsuccessful at putting him to bed -- what does that say about me? What have I done to make him this way?
Major Beef #2: Mom-time = Scream-Time
Completely unfabulous and predictable Isaac behavior: Isaac and Dada can have the most awesome time together, romping and playing and whatever. The moment I enter the room, Isaac starts crying, actually whining, about almost anything. Then for his mealtime, which I have to go in the gated-off kitchen to prepare, he follows me and then hangs on the gate, crying "mamamamamamama" no matter how much I talk to him. His fuss can be temporarily relieved with bite-sized food for him to run off with, or with pots and pans to play with, but inevitably he is incredibly upset that he can't cling to me every second. What is this all about? Am I doing something wrong that my kid can't stand to not have me next to him every second?
Major Beef #3: A Mixed Blessing
In two months, I will officially begin my new career as Domestic Coordinator, leaving lab science temporarily behind to stay home with my boy. I am greatly looking forward to it, and feel exceedingly blessed that we have the means and opportunity for me to do this for Isaac, for Michael, and for myself. However, I can't help but wonder if I will like it. What will we *do* all day? How will I clean and cook and do the things I'm supposed to do? Will Isaac miss his friends? Will my relationship change with Dada? Advice or experiences from current or former Domestic Coordinators is appreciated.
posted by Claire at 10:51 PM
2 Comments:
Thanks, Grandma Jane, and thanks to Grandma Carolyn and Susan who have sent their comments via email. As I predicted, after I blog-hurled all my negativity, I now feel much better. It also helps that Isaac had a great night last night and was an absolute doll all day today.
As far as the sleep stuff goes, I think a lot of my frustration comes from the fact that Isaac is working on getting rid of his morning nap. Some days he takes one; some days he doesn't -- and it is a total crapshoot which day is for what. And no, I don't go to sleep when I should -- I stay up way too late, and I'm sure that doesn't help with anything, but I have difficulties with my night owl tendencies.
As for #2, I don't think the issue is that he's jealous of Mike -- I am talking about when I'm trying to do things on my own, like fixing dinner. We've decided that we want Isaac out of the kitchen altogether for meal preparation (for now) to completely abrogate the possibility of accidents. Susan told me to chill out; that "children ALWAYS behave the worst for their mothers".
#3 -- I am looking forward to having more time, period. I feel like I'm always looking at my watch these days. I am also looking forward to the meal-planning, since I find, oddly enough, an enormous amount of satisfaction in cooking for my boys. Among other things, of course. I'm just curious, though, what kinds of things stay-at-home moms do with their little people to keep it fun.
I have nothing meaningful to say. I'm just jealous that you get to stay home with your boy!
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